26 April 2013

Feeeeelings

I am a very emotional  human being.
 I get upset on a regular basis, about the most stupid things, remembering a childhood friend, watching the part in 'A Knight's Tale' when Will is reunited with his father, or even just listening to a sad song (Lighthouse by Patrick Watson does it for me every time)

Looking through my diary, I realise that recently I have been thinking about/crying over the idea of freedom. Sometimes I feel I've got to get away (not a reference to ~ Soft Cell's Tainted Love ~ - oh ok, it is, I've been listening to too many 80's records lately - sorry, back to my emotions). Simply get away from my family and be alone for a bit.

I get frustrated with people being around all the time. Not because I hate my family, I love them to pieces, but sometimes I feel I'm a bit... repressed, constrained... restricted. If I want to go somewhere or meet someone, I have to ask about it first. If I decide I want to sit in bed and eat chocolate all day well, I can't. If I want to watch 'A Very Potter Musical', and sing along to the songs very loudly, I will receive frowny looks from my nearest and dearest!

What is worse is the way I place boundaries on myself. I'm scared to get a boyfriend because I worry that my family would laugh and tease me, and as a result of this, I've never been kissed.  I worry about going on a diet, or trying to lose weight, as my family might disapprove.

I simply feel that I'm not able to be myself. I know it's not my family's fault, it's something I bring unto myself, but I can't help but feel, if I had more freedom, then I might be.. happier?

I apologise for all the teenage angst bursting out of this post, but it had to happen at some point.
Love you all!
Ella x

P.s. Here's the Patrick Watson song that is so beautiful it makes me cry.


2 comments:

  1. First of all: don't ask sorry to talk on your blog about a thing you want to talk, ok?
    Second: I perfectly know what you mean. Literally, I know how you're feeling. I'm at university know, I live in an apartment by myself. Well, with three housemates but this is not the point. The point is that I felt the same for a very long time and I couldn't wait to leave everything and be where I'm now. And the things that I love the most, living alone, is go somewhere without have to tell where I'm going and why and when I'll be at home, and also that I can eat what I want when I want, and mostly I love that when I'm sad or upset I don't have to explain why. But there are also a lot of responsibilities. My housemates locked me out one night because they didn't notice that I wasn't home, I have to buy food and cook, and if I need to talk it's not always easy to find someone. What I'm trying to say is that it's normal to fell this way, or at least you're not the only one, and that there's black and white in everything and you are 16, right? You have a lot of time in front of you and your moment to be free is around the corner. Just, bite the bullet and when you feel this way write or cry or do whatever you need to feel better and to express yourself. And don't let anyone to stop you to do something, even your family. They may would not understand you, but if they love you as much as I'm sure they love you, they will understand. otherwise you will look back at the venerable age of 20 years old (believe me) and you will realize that you created limitations only by yourself. Ok, this comment is terribly incoherent, I'm afraid. Anyway, if you will need to talk, you'll find my email address on my blog.

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  2. Oh, this is so sweet! Thank you. I know it'll all get better eventually, and I think you're right about me creating limitations on myself. For example, I wanted to do this diet type thing, and I was so so sure my mum wouldn't let me, and after about a week of umming and ahhing I asked her, and she was completely fine with it!
    Thank you so much for your lovely comment, and I love your blog so much, it's one of my absolute favourites!
    Ella x

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Hi, I appreciate each and every one of your comments, and they really brighten up my day! So thank you :)